By Dean A. Johnson
March 14, 2012
We have suffered another loss in our family and this one cuts very deep. On Wednesday, March 7, 2012, my wife Tracie’s dad, Jim Hicks passed away.
I am writing this a week later and we are in limbo land of shock and grief settling in that he is gone. In similar situations in the past, I have felt similar feelings of wanting to just stop everything and stare into the sky, the lake water, or grass on the ground. The world swirls around me in a flurry of activity, yet, I want to yell, “Stop the world, I want to get off.”
As always, the words of U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name”
“I wanna run, I want to hide
I wanna tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I wanna reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name
I want to feel, sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter
From the poison rain
Where the streets have no name…”
When I drove to the church this morning, I parked my truck, opened the door and just sat there staring at the concrete curb. I knew that I was supposed to get out and go inside to do the tasks of church work, but I wanted to crank up my truck, drive to Guntersville Lake or the U.S. Space and Rocket Center or the Botanical Garden to sit on a bench and just gaze at whatever thing is in front of me. I want to block out all people around me and look at that giant Saturn 5 and think of happy days of success and accomplishment amid the amazement of creating a machine that was strong enough to leave Earth’s gravitational pull and sent humans to the moon and beyond.
I want to stare into the clear water and watch ripples flow over the surface as the wind gently pushes the water along while water weeds wave in amid the movement. I want to stare into the face of bright flowers full of life giving nectar to the bees that seek out its golden sustenance.
I don’t want to be caught up in the crazy train workaholic life of people rushing about to get to the next thing for when they get to that next thing, all they are thinking about is, “How long is this going to take, because I’ve got another thing to get to.”
“QUIET!! BE STILL!!” is what Jesus yelled out to the storm on the lake when out in a boat with his disciples. He was annoyed that the disciples awakened Him – a very weary Jesus who spent the previous week healin’ and miraclin’ (I know that’s not a real word, but it sure is a great Southern way to state what the people expected Jesus to do.) Immediately after Jesus rebuked the wind and waves, the storm immediately calmed the lake and the boat no longer tossed about.
I’m yelling out something similar, “STOP!! BE QUIET so that I can BE STILL!!
Of course the people Jim’s loss is hardest on are his wife Carolyn, three daughters Pamela, Karen and Tracie (my wife) and two grandchildren Timothy and Jasmine. I’m just the son-in-law who became a permanent part of the family a mere three years ago. So, why am I affected this way? Deep and profound empathy for this family as well as sadness that I have lost a wonderful father-in-law. In church ministry we are constantly surrounded by a family that is suffering through a loss of a loved one. We are there to provide stability when they are unstable and care for things in a time when they have to tell themselves how to do simple tasks such as brushing their teeth or putting on matching socks.
When it hits our home directly with one of our own family members, we continue that role as well as being the people that are now being guided through the simple tasks.
In the end, what keeps me going in tough times, especially these moments when we lose someone very dear to us are the words of Chuck Nolan portrayed by Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away.
Chuck Nolan is the only survivor of an airplane crash and is stranded on an island. He struggles for survival. At one point, he is about to give up, but he realizes this,
“I had power over nothing. That’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew that somehow I had to stay alive. I had to keep breathing even though there was no reason to hope…so that’s what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing.
Then one day that logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, gave me a sail…I know what I have to do now. Got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide will bring.”
For now, we just focus on how to breathe and all the steps will come after that. For today, let’s not worry about tomorrow because the sun will rise the next day no matter what. Today is a gift, and that is why it is called the present (paraphrase from Kung Fu Panda)
I don’t write these words today with a purpose of helping or guiding anyone else. I write these words today to put into physical print what is going on within me perhaps what my wife and her sisters are feeling as well. I can only speak for me, so please don’t assume that they are feeling or thinking the same thing.
Today, let’s just breathe. Let’s run, let’s hide as we feel we need to if that is what it takes to catch our breath for Jim Hicks is greatly missed by those that love him so deeply.
