Dealing with Loss

Dealing with Loss
By Dean A. Johnson
March 14, 2012

We have suffered another loss in our family and this one cuts very deep.  On Wednesday, March 7, 2012, my wife Tracie’s dad, Jim Hicks passed away.

I am writing this a week later and we are in limbo land of shock and grief settling in that he is gone.  In similar situations in the past, I have felt similar feelings of wanting to just stop everything and stare into the sky, the lake water, or grass on the ground.  The world swirls around me in a flurry of activity, yet, I want to yell, “Stop the world, I want to get off.”

As always, the words of U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name”

“I wanna run, I want to hide
I wanna tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I wanna reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel, sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter
From the poison rain
Where the streets have no name…”

When I drove to the church this morning, I parked my truck, opened the door and just sat there staring at the concrete curb.  I knew that I was supposed to get out and go inside to do the tasks of church work, but I wanted to crank up my truck, drive to Guntersville Lake or the U.S. Space and Rocket Center or the Botanical Garden to sit on a bench and just gaze at whatever thing is in front of me.  I want to block out all people around me and look at that giant Saturn 5 and think of happy days of success and accomplishment amid the amazement of creating a machine that was strong enough to leave Earth’s gravitational pull and sent humans to the moon and beyond. 

I want to stare into the clear water and watch ripples flow over the surface as the wind gently pushes the water along while water weeds wave in amid the movement.  I want to stare into the face of bright flowers full of life giving nectar to the bees that seek out its golden sustenance. 

I don’t want to be caught up in the crazy train workaholic life of people rushing about to get to the next thing for when they get to that next thing, all they are thinking about is, “How long is this going to take, because I’ve got another thing to get to.”

“QUIET!!  BE STILL!!” is what Jesus yelled out to the storm on the lake when out in a boat with his disciples.  He was annoyed that the disciples awakened Him – a very weary Jesus who spent the previous week healin’ and miraclin’ (I know that’s not a real word, but it sure is a great Southern way to state what the people expected Jesus to do.)  Immediately after Jesus rebuked the wind and waves, the storm immediately calmed the lake and the boat no longer tossed about.

I’m yelling out something similar, “STOP!!  BE QUIET so that I can BE STILL!!
Of course the people Jim’s loss is hardest on are his wife Carolyn, three daughters Pamela, Karen and Tracie (my wife) and two grandchildren Timothy and Jasmine. I’m just the son-in-law who became a permanent part of the family a mere three years ago.  So, why am I affected this way?  Deep and profound empathy for this family as well as sadness that I have lost a wonderful father-in-law.  In church ministry we are constantly surrounded by a family that is suffering through a loss of a loved one.  We are there to provide stability when they are unstable and care for things in a time when they have to tell themselves how to do simple tasks such as brushing their teeth or putting on matching socks.

When it hits our home directly with one of our own family members, we continue that role as well as being the people that are now being guided through the simple tasks. 

In the end, what keeps me going in tough times, especially these moments when we lose someone very dear to us are the words of Chuck Nolan portrayed by Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away.

Chuck Nolan is the only survivor of an airplane crash and is stranded on an island.  He struggles for survival.  At one point, he is about to give up, but he realizes this,

“I had power over nothing.  That’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket.  I knew that somehow I had to stay alive.  I had to keep breathing even though there was no reason to hope…so that’s what I did.  I stayed alive.  I kept breathing. 

Then one day that logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, gave me a sail…I know what I have to do now.  Got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide will bring.”
   
For now, we just focus on how to breathe and all the steps will come after that.  For today, let’s not worry about tomorrow because the sun will rise the next day no matter what. Today is a gift, and that is why it is called the present (paraphrase from Kung Fu Panda)

I don’t write these words today with a purpose of helping or guiding anyone else.  I write these words today to put into physical print what is going on within me perhaps what my wife and her sisters are feeling as well.  I can only speak for me, so please don’t assume that they are feeling or thinking the same thing.

Today, let’s just breathe.  Let’s run, let’s hide as we feel we need to if that is what it takes to catch our breath for Jim Hicks is greatly missed by those that love him so deeply.

Where An Introverts Energy Comes From

I have an introverted personality type in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality profile.  This means that I prefer silence and solitude as that’s where I get my energy. I thoroughly enjoy being around people, it’s just that after a while I have to go off to be by myself or a small group to re-energize.  It also means that I have to “gear up” to being around people.

When I was in elementary school, one my favorite part of the day was my morning walk to Weathelry Elementary.  We lived atop Weatherly Mountain and I had a mile walk to and from school.  I walked solo, but my imagination surrounded me.  I dreamed of being a driver on a race track or catching a bunch of fish or being the chosen boyfriend of certain girls of interest in the school.

By the time I was at school, I was “geared up” and ready to talk with my friends.  At the end of the school day, I walked back home where I regained my energy of a day spent “extroverting.”  Once home, I was ready to go and play with other kids in my neighborhood.

In college at Mississippi State, I valued my morning walks to class.  By my third year, I had 8:00 a.m. classes just about every day.  Even though I lived right off campus, I walked to my classes.  It gave me time to wake up, figure out what that dream meant from the night before, write my stories in my head, pray and soak in the sight and scents of the trees and flowers along the way.  By the time I got to class, I was ready to have conversations with others.

I continue this pattern today and value my time of solitude to imagine, dream, pray, write and think.  Commonly, I have an ongoing conversation with God complete with tangents of thought in other directions (just like we experience in small group conversations), but come back with, “Sorry, God, I got off track there, but we were talking about…”  It nourishes my soul.  It keeps me grounded.  It restores my energy.

What works for me doesn’t work for everyone.  Feel free to share with me (comment below, in person, via email, phone call, text message or Facebook message) how you go about restoring your soul and energy.

Tracie is PREGNANT!!!

On Saturday morning, October 29th, 2011, I was getting out of bed when Tracie excitedly came out of our bathroom.  With a huge smile on her face, she grabbed my hand and led me into our bathroom, “Come here!” she said quietly.

She showed me the home pregnancy test that had two solid lines with one wider than the other, but two lines showed - indicating a positive pregnancy!!

I couldn’t believe it!  We weren’t expecting this and it came as a very happy and joyous surprise!  I hugged Tracie excitedly and happily!!

We went upstairs to tell Timothy and Jasmine about it. Their response seemed pleased and happy, but the may have been more interested in their Wii game.  Hah!  However, I think their reservation had a lot to do with Tracie’s miscarriage around her birthday in March 2011.
   
The due date for Tracie’s first 2011 pregnancy was November 11, 2011 – 11/11/11.  That was a difficult time for us dealing with the devastating loss of hope for a child-to-be.  Amid the disappointment and heartbreak, we knew that one of the reasons for miscarriage is that something is not right about the baby and for that reason; the baby did not develop very long after that.  During that time, Tracie and I were both under a tremendous amount of stress which seemed to be how our lives were ever since we got married.  I could write a whole chapter about that alone, but that takes us away from the delightfulness of the discovery of Fall 2011!

On Sunday, October 30th, we gathered for a birthday lunch at Lake Guntersville State Park Lodge to celebrate my 43rd birthday with Tracie’s parents – Jim & Carolyn Hicks – and my mother and step-dad – Frances and Butch Baker.  While eating dessert we told them that we were expecting a baby!!!

What a great way to celebrate my 43rd birthday – a birthday I’ll always remember because of the wonderful surprise gift that Tracie gave to me – to us!!

As Tracie’s pregnancy progresses, reality of what is happening has set in. For years, when I have thought about friends or family who are pregnant, it’s always seemed a little distant.  They were the ones having babies and for me it would be someday in the future.  Being in ministry for 10 years and working around mostly women while at Southern Progress Corporation it was always, “Well, THEY are having a baby!”  There were baby showers followed by births, maternity/paternity leave, visiting the newborns and parents in the hospital, church baby dedications, sharing photos, and along the way, I would get to hold the baby for a few brief moments. 

I remember holding my friend Carol Mitchell’s son Joe when he was an infant.  I think I got to feed him too, but it made me so happy seeing how happy Carol was with her third baby.  I remember being in the nursery of my friend and supervisor Becky Reese.  I watched her change her son’s diaper.  I always like to catch the eyes of a baby in a public location and smile and smile at them. It made me very happy. 

I remember making my first ministerial visit to a church member who just gave birth.  The associate pastor of Riverchase Baptist Church, Sarah Shelton, told me,

“Now, Dean, I can do something that you can’t.  I can hug the mother as I congratulate her, but I don’t recommend that male ministers do that.  However, you can walk into a room with a man who just had a vasectomy and he’ll feel much more comfortable with you than he will with me.”  Sarah was always great at providing very practical ministerial advice.  Since then, I’ve visited several mothers in the hospital, but the vasectomy patient visit hasn’t happened yet.

Then, in 2005, I experienced a different feeling about babies when my sister Camille and brother-in-law Glenn had their first child on March 14, 2005.  On my birthday that year, I was crappie fishing in South Sauty Creek on Guntersville Lake.  I had a voice mail message on my cell phone from Camille wishing me a happy birthday. In the background I heard little Thea playing and kicking some noise makers near her.  Camille said something to me such as, “Thea is playing a song for her Uncle Spud (that’s me).” 

She said to Thea, “Can you do it again?  Can you do it again?”  Then there was more noise after Camille sang her own rendition of a happy birthday song on my voice mail.

Sitting in a boat floating on water on Guntersville Lake, a warm feeling rushed over me, “This child will always know my name!”  I smiled and even cried a little at this delightful thought for a child I had yet to see in person, but who touched me deeply.  No matter what, I will always be Thea’s uncle!  The relationship with a child takes on a different meaning when they are part of your own family.  I just oohed and awed over Thea’s first visit to Huntsville at Thanksgiving of 2005!   One of my friends told me, “Just wait until it’s your own baby. That’s a whole new feeling all its own!

Now, it’s about to happen – I will be holding a new born baby that will be born to Tracie and me!  We will be the ones changing diapers, waking up to cries in the night, watching the baby sleep, taking endless photos of everything the baby does, delighting people (or driving them crazy) with our stories of, “Guess what he or she did yesterday?”  Forever, our child will know our names, but this time I will be known as Daddy.

Now, it is January 2012 and Tracie is 14 weeks into her pregnancy.  The baby is growing and getting healthier each day.  I am doing my best to keep Tracie rested, fed and as free from stress as possible.  The due date for this child is July 10 which is Bruce Gilbert’s birthday.  May the best of health be continually blessed upon Tracie and baby.